


These Circumstances? I'd Save You

by tardistype221b (TardisType221b)



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Episode: s09e13 The Purge, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Self-Esteem Issues, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-18
Updated: 2014-02-18
Packaged: 2018-01-12 22:20:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,675
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1202656
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TardisType221b/pseuds/tardistype221b
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean can't handle the total rejection of his brother. He believes that Sam won't care if he dies, so he decides to end it himself. He doesn't even care if Sam finds him because he'll only encourage him. Oh how wrong he is. (Takes place directly after the last scene in 9.13)</p>
            </blockquote>





	These Circumstances? I'd Save You

**Author's Note:**

> Written for this prompt at the SPN kink meme: http://spnkink-meme.livejournal.com/82267.html?thread=30352731#t30352731

Sam left the room and headed to bed, Dean watched him until he could no longer see Sam and listened until he could no longer hear his footsteps. His drink was only half full but he knew that if he drank anymore he would actually go after Sammy and make an ass out of himself asking for the forgiveness that he didn't deserve. He thought he was doing the right thing saving Sammy, even though some bad things had happened, like Kevin's death, his brain reminded him, but overall they had come out on top. Sam was alive, Cas had his angel mojo back, and they had a way to kill Abbadon.  

But he knew that Sam didn't feel the same way. Sam didn't see the upside to him being alive. Yes Kevin was dead, and that just about killed him inside, but that was on him. Yes Crowley was in the wind but he could give less of a shit about him at this point and yes they were no where closer to beating this angel thing, but all of that didn't matter at all none of it mattered if Sam wasn't alive. If Sam wasn't alive Dean wasn't sure how he would be able to keep on fighting, there would be no more reason to fight. Sure there was Cas but he could probably find some angels who wouldn't mind him on their side or he could stick with Sam, protect him. Charlie was off in Oz and Kevin was dead, the three people in this world who cared for him, because apparently Sam didn't, not anymore.  

Sam felt like the fact they were family was something to be ashamed of. Dean didn't understand, but then again that's why Sam is angry, because he couldn't understand that Sam wanted to move on, couldn't understand that Sam could give less of a shit about him. He has been clinging onto family his entire life but then losing them one by one. First Mary, then John, then Bobby, and now Sam. Sam is no longer his brother, not anymore and Dean just can't handle that. He threw his glass at the wall and it shattered. He put his head in his hands. He was alone. Completely and utterly alone.  

Then he realized. Sam was right. He was so selfish. Even though he had hurt Sam all he was thinking about was how alone he was and how he wanted that feeling to go away. He missed what they had before, the easy closeness, the inside jokes and the pranks...the love. He didn't deserve that now, not after how badly he hurt Sam, not after he tricked him into being possessed by an angel,  and especially not now that he had Kevin's death on his hands because of it. He didn't deserve Sam's love. He didn't deserve to be Sam's brother. Not after everything he's done. Maybe he should die. 

That wasn't a new thought. He had contemplated suicide too many times to be comfortable with, even dealing with the dangers that they did. But this time it finally wasn't because of a selfish reason. Not because of the loneliness, or the pain, although those were factors too. It was to give Sammy a chance to live his life without the presence of Dean constantly dragging him down. And although it had been many years since he had been in Hell he remembered it as clear as day. The rack, the brutal torture. He'd hold out though, wouldn't want to break the first seal and start the apocalypse all over again. No angels to rescue him from perdition this time. Cas was wrong when they first met. He did not deserve to be saved, because of him being saved the world went to crap.  

Though, he wondered, maybe Purgatory would be a better place, at least he'd get to kill monsters, maybe even see Benny if he managed to survive that blood bath with the Leviathans. But he knew that Purgatory was too good for him, he deserved Hell and that was where he was going to go. After all he knew he lost his place in Heaven a long time ago. 

He got up and knelt next to the shattered remains of his glass. He picked up one of the shards off the floor, it was especially jagged and that made Dean smile sadly. He deserved the extra pain. If he wanted to go out painlessly there were other ways like the many guns that they owned. Sam would probably find him tomorrow but it was okay, he'd probably be relieved that he was finally out of his life. 

He got up and sat down at the table again twirling the shard in his hand. This was it, back to the pit. He would have liked to say goodbye to Cas first, and Baby, but he doubted Cas had time for him and Baby...well Baby knew how much he loved her. He hoped Sam would take good care of her, and not destroy her with an Ipod dock this time.  

He decided that to leave less of a mess for Sam he would go to the bathroom instead. Besides one last bath before going to the pit would be nice. He headed the bathroom and turned on the tap, taking his clothes off while waiting for the bath to fill up. He wondered if Sam was asleep right now. It didn't matter. Even if he wasn't and he found him it wouldn't matter. He'd probably tell him to do it. He was going to be selfless for once and sacrifice his life, even though he'd be hurt. All for Sammy. Always for Sammy. 

The bath was full enough now. He turned off the taps and climbed in letting out a sigh of contentment at the warm water. It was nice. One last simple pleasure, before heading downstairs, where he'll never feel anything as wonderful and relaxing as this. The prospect made him shudder in fear, but that didn't matter.  

He grabbed the shard of glass from the edge of the tub. His knife was also there but that was only if this didn't work. He started dragging the glass lightly over skin to start with, blood welling up on his arm from the shallow cuts when the door opened.  

"Oh god Dean, I'm so sorry didn't know you were in here." Sam apologized quickly turning to leave. 

"It's alright Sammy, just taking a bath." Dean said. 

"Oh okay-" Sam started then he saw the knife on the edge of the bathtub. 

"Dean?" He asked confused. 

"Yeah Sammy?" Dean replied looking at him questioningly.  

"Why is there a knife on the edge of the tub?" He asked warily. 

"Oh that's for if the glass doesn't work." Dean said. "Don't worry about it Sammy, go get some rest, you look like crap." Sam looked closer at Dean and saw him holding a shard of glass in his left hand and his right arm with blood on it. 

"Dean...what are you doing?" Sam asked. He didn't want to believe this was happening. Wanted nothing more than to walk out and go to bed, forgetting this ever happened. That he ever drove Dean to the point of depression but he couldn't leave. If Dean hurt himself, or even worse, killed himself, he'd never be able to forgive himself. 

"Just making my sacrifice. Isn't that what you wanted Sammy?" Dean asked. 

"Not like this Dean." Sam replied. Dean looked at him contemplative. 

"You're right. The glass would be more painful, but it's too slow." He dropped the glass into the water and picked up the knife. Sam had to hold back a gasp, he didn't want to startle Dean into doing what he thought he was going to do. Dean looked up and saw Sam's stricken face. 

"Don't worry Sammy." Dean said with a sad smile. "I'll do this and you never have to worry about me again. I'm doing what you want me to. Making the sacrifice even though I'm going to get hurt. I mean I don't mind hell, as long as you're happy, healthy, and safe. Me being here doesn't help any of those things." Sam's just stared at Dean in shock, he was angry and he may have said some really mean things but he wasn't expecting this. 

"Dean please no." Sam said softly, in disbelief. Dean was surprised. If anything he'd thought Sam would be encouraging him but maybe he felt guilty. 

"Sammy, this isn't on you. So don't blame yourself. I'm just doing something that should have been done years ago." Dean said. "Now I'd rather you not see this, but if you want to you can stay." Dean said. He brought the knife close to his skin. "I just want you to know Sammy, I'll always love you. Don't forget that." He was about to slice into his skin when Sam finally reacted and snatched the knife from Dean who wasn't expecting any fight from Sam and was caught off guard. Dean looked at Sam confused and mildly put out as Sam threw the knife to the floor. 

"What the hell Sam?" Dean asked confused. "You said you wouldn't stop me..." He trailed off. Sam handed Dean a towel from the rack, picked the knife up off the floor and went into the bathroom cabinet. He pulled out all the razors and the medicines. He then rolled up his sleeve and pulled the stopper out of the tub, fishing out the bloodstained glass as the water drained. 

"I'm getting you clothes. Dry up. We need to have a serious talk." Sam said. Sam closed the door behind him and ran to Dean's room, grabbing the first pair of boxers and sweats he could find. He hurried back and Dean was outside of the tub, towel wrapped around his waist. He handed him the boxers and sweats. He turned around so Dean could change in relative privacy, after all they weren't lovers anymore. 

"I'm done Sammy." Dean said softly, wary. He didn't understand what was going on. He should be in the pit right now, but he wondered if this was worse, the uncertainty. What if Sam hated him now? Maybe Sam needed him for something? He should have made sure everything was fine before he decided to check out. 

Sam beckoned for Dean to follow him and they ended up in the kitchen again. The remains of Dean's glass still all over the floor. Dean sat down at the table and watched as Sam grabbed a dustpan and swept up the broken glass, dumping it in the garbage. He felt small as Sam sat across from him, a mirror image of their conversation just a few hours ago when Sam said he wouldn't save him if he was dying, but now here they were. 

"Do you need me for something Sammy?" Dean asked. "I can wait a few days if you need me." Dean said. Sam shook his head vehemently. 

"No Dean. I don't-" Sam started but then Dean cut him off. 

"Then why'd you stop me then? I'd figured you wanted me out of your hair." Dean smiled sadly.  

"No never Dean. You may have pissed me off by everything you did, and you definitely need to let me make my own choices but when did I ever say kill yourself Dean? When did I ever say that?" Sam exclaimed. 

"Not in that many words but you did say it Sammy. I asked you if I was dying would you save me? And you know what you said Sam? You said: No Dean, I wouldn’t. But look at what you just did! You saved me! What do you really want Sammy? Because I already know I am poison. That I don't deserve to be your brother....your lover. That I screwed up, that I haven't deserved any of those things for a long time. I know that even though you probably hate me now, that if I had a choice I would do it all over again if it meant that you would live. I know that your life would be so much better if I was out of it. But I tried it the easy way. I left, leaving you alone and I couldn't do it. I couldn't stay away from you, and yeah I know it's my own fault, I'm the one who wanted back in, I should have understood the consequences but...it was too hard, so I needed to get away, permanently." He got up and headed for the liquor cabinet. 

"I need a drink." Dean said. 

"No Dean, come back here." Sam said. He had listened to Dean's speech. He hadn't realized just how messed up Dean was inside. He knew somewhat after his little speech when left him and Cas at the bridge but this was....worse, much worse. 

Dean was obedient and sat down at the table again across from Sam looking at him expectantly. 

"I understand what I said earlier Dean but-" He was at a loss for words. He couldn't tell him to stay because they were brothers, or because he had made mistakes too, or even because they were lovers because they weren't he had stopped everything with Dean a long time ago. He had already gave valid arguments against every statement and Dean had taken it all to heart. He didn't know what to say. 

"I made a mistake...Dean I love you, I know neither of us say it as often as we should but I do and the thought of you gone...I can't deal with it man. But seriously what you said before was not what I intended. I said same circumstances I wouldn't. Meaning that if you were dying trying to close the gates of hell and all you wanted was to die for this all to be over, to finally go to heaven and see Mom, Dad, Bobby, Ellen, Jo and everyone else we ever cared about. I would have let you. Why? Because why would you want to stay here with me when there's so many more people waiting for you in heaven." Sam snorted. "Me on the other hand I know where I'm going." Dean looked at Sam confused. 

"Sammy no. You're going to heaven. Of course you are. After all the good you've done. You were in hell for a year to stop the Apocalypse!" Dean exclaimed. Sam scoffed. 

"Dean, I'm the boy with the demon blood, the idiot who let Lucifer out of his cage. And who knows everything I did when I ran around soulless for a year? How many people I killed?" Sam said. "Either way that doesn't matter. What matters is that you were right." 

"Right about what?" Dean asked. 

"We were never better apart, us fighting the good fight together, that's all we have left. But we have to work on you trusting me to make my own decisions. I'm thirty one Dean, not the baby you used to take care of. But this-" He said gesturing to the cuts on Dean's arms. "-is never the answer. And just to clarify, these circumstances? I'd save you, every time." Dean looked at Sam with a look of utter devotion and love so much love.  

"Thank you Sammy." Dean said. "I just- I thought you hated me."  

"No just very pissed off. This doesn't mean I'm not still angry with you Dean." Sam said. "Even more so over this. But for right now, come here." He stood up and opened his arms gesturing for Dean to come closer. Dean stood up and walked over, letting himself be enveloped by Sam's arms, something he hadn't had for so long. They both knew that things weren't going to get better just like that, and that they always had this cloud of fear, and pain, and self-loathing hanging over their heads, but this was a step in the right direction. 

 


End file.
